I want to refocus. On what specifically, I’m not sure. I just know that I’ve started about 5 different posts, but finished zero. I’ve been posting other people’s thoughts and pretty words, but neglecting my own. Maybe because I don’t even know what I’ve been thinking. Maybe I’m too lazy or involved in “life” to dig it out of the mess that swirls round and round in my head. It fills up fast you know. All the muck and petty thoughts that don’t matter a bit. The jealousy and insecurities, stress and exhaustion. It all compiles until it blocks your ability to understand yourself.
One thing that really hit me, but that I’ve been too busy to really sit in and contemplate is the idea that there is no such thing as “self-confidence.” Let that sink in. What would it mean to live everyday knowing that you, by yourself, are nothing. You have no right to have any confidence in yourself. You are lost and inherently going to choose the wrong path. So what right do we have to take confidence in our messed up selves? We have no right. Because when it comes down to it, if God and our belief in Him is our identity then shouldn’t He be our confidence? A friend called it “God-confidence.” The idea that everything good about us, everything we should actually take some pride in and identify ourselves with, is given to us by His grace. Grace that we don’t deserve for a second. Grace that was given to us because it was in His will. It made Him happy to make us new. After all, God does not need us. We are no where near that significant, but because He loves us we are chiseled into something beautiful. And that grace, the knowledge that we are new, is where we should find confidence. And that “God-confidence” is stronger and more empowering than any self-confidence could ever be.