The striking difference between here and not astounds me. I know I’m making do. I’m getting through it with the grace of God. I’ve put it away in a little box. Folding up the missing, gently into a little square. Placing it away on a shelf so I  can make it. Pulling it out every night, like an old faded picture. Looking and remembering. Knowing this too shall pass, it’s merely a stage in my life. A passing breeze. But goodness do I struggle. I know it’s for my own good. I know it’s all for God’s purpose. I know He is in control. I know I have no reason to be so upset. I know i know i know… But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It doesn’t really make it all that much better. My hiding place for that folded feeling isn’t as hidden. I find it from time to time and then I’m helpless. Lost in emotion I have no experience on how to handle. Seeking solace in God and knowing he is looking out for me and taking care of me. But He isn’t a tangible person. And sometimes I need that. I know His love is boundless, something I barely comprehend, but He doesn’t hold me the same or kiss my forehead with a tenderness I only dreamed of being shown. So I wait. I cross off the days like a school child. Repeatedly looking at the weeks to come, convincing myself it isn’t that long. And I try to give up control. Let God grow me and heal my heart. I know He won’t let me drown in the rivers of my difficulties(Isaiah 43 1-2). No matter how many times I try to tell Him that I can’t do this summer, in the end He of course is right, I will make it through. I know God wouldn’t put me through anything I couldn’t handle. Although it may be a stretch, this storm too will pass. And my heart will be healed. And my life will continue, hopefully with my being closer to the woman I was created to be.

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