I have searched myself and found myself lacking. I do not have the relationship that I convinced myself I did. The one that means the most…

Every preacher, pastor, mentor, bible study, small group focuses around this pivotal aspect of a God-centered faith (I don’t like the word Christian. It’s come to have way too many stereotypes): a personal relationship with God. Well, I am lacking it. I didn’t truly realize it until this week when The Boy left for his camp counselor job. As much as I love him, he’s been my buffer. My excuse for not really looking at my relationship with the most important Him. I don’t blame The Boy, not a bit, this is my fault. My problem that I’ve been avoiding. After he left, I’ve been left by myself a lot. Feeling incredibly alone and rather empty. And folks that’s just not right. A boy, even my Boy, should not leave you feeling like that just because he’s away for the summer. And honestly I hate feeling so helpless. It’s miserable and so completely not who I am or how I was raised. That’s when I realized why I really felt empty. Because I really did have no one. Over the course of my second semester in college I had been nudging God out little by little and seemingly terminated any pea sized relationship I had started to build. Now I ask you, why would I do that? why would I do that? Hmm well lets look at my flawed character traits shall we; I hate to be vulnerable, it scares me and makes me feel almost unsafe, I like to be in control too. This is a very inhospitable place for a relationship with Him to grow. I don’t seek out peace and I suck at listening.

But this summer I’ve been given an absurd amount of potential time to seek Him out. To look for the little pieces of the love song He is crying out to me. And I want to cry back. I want to wake up and make a choice to watch and listen for Him all day. Because I know He’s waiting. He’s infinitely patient, I suppose you would have to be if you’ve been around for eternity. The Boy gave me a task for this summer away too. You know that book, Captivating by Jon and Stasi Eldridge, I told you all to read way way back? Well I’ve never even finished it. So he(The Boy) asked me to reread it. This time with an open heart and to let my past be past. My Boy told me that God wants to hold me this summer since he can’t. That is what broke my heart. I cried. A lot. So I’m going to try. Which leads me to a piece of advice, if you are reading Captivating read it with a pen/pencil and notebook in hand. Because there are going to be things that will apply to your life again. And with your handy notebook, you can access them.

Well there’s my story. Where I’m at. It’s rough and apparently comes out in just about 520 words. If you have read this far, thank you. Pray for me stranger who has taken the time to read my woes. I was in a pit. And I just found God’s hand reaching down to me in the darkness…

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