I recently posted this blog on my facebook, and I’m still slightly terrified. Sure, I made a blog to share my thoughts, but what if I don’t want everyone to see them? I do, but I don’t. These are my private thoughts and problems and I’m scared to open them up. Even a little bit. Granted, I think that’s just a problem I have in general. I have a wall, you see. An impenetrable fortress around my heart. I don’t want it there. I never want it there. It just slowly builds and more bricks and mortar are added. Sealing it off from even myself. Why do I do this? Why! Well, I’ve been trying to figure that out for a very long time. At times, I know God is chipping away at it. Trying to call it out of its little hidey hole with love and promises that can never be broken. I want to tear it down, I want to cover it with dynamite and blow it to pieces.
However, I’m not at that point yet. I’ll get there. I feel at the moment that He has made himself a little window to my heart. Just tiny enough to whisper secrets of love and hope. Building it up to break free. He’s pursuing me. Me! Jesus wants me to fall in love with Him. To let go and let myself really love Him, even a fraction of how much He loves me.
The other day in my Communications Ethics class, we watched an episode of The West Wing. It’s about the President and his team or something like that. This episode focused on America trying to facilitate a compromise between American drug companies and Africa. To help the spread of AIDS. It really broke my heart. Yes I know this is a TV show and no one is real, but this has happened! They are real problems! The fact that most of the Africans who are HIV positive can not take the pill regimen because they can not tell time and they don’t have wrist watches, absolutely breaks my heart. Wrist watches! That is the reason why they can not be saved or at least be made more comfortable, a lack of education and modern conveniences. And it continues, at the end of the episode the capital of whatever African country it is, is taken over. With the new president in America, because he has no diplomats to send. A few scenes later, our President tells the African President that they believe his brother and his sons are already dead and that his wife is being hidden in Kenya. His face just falls. He is told that he can not go back there. Not now. But he does. And he is shot on the tarmac of the airport. He dies for his country, his country that is in turmoil and forgotten by most. My heart was breaking at this point. These are God’s people, His world that has this much pain and suffering. I was brought to tears at the thought of it all. I could feel His pain and hurting for these people(the real people, not the characters in the show) and my heart broke. Looking back, if God can love these people that much, then who am I to try and say that He doesn’t love me? Who am I to think that I am not worth His love? Who am I to keep Him out of the deepest parts of my heart? And most of all, how can I possibly not love this God who only wants perfection, and love, and hope for us all?