How to start things. I feel like that’s always my problem, beginnings. Personally, I enjoy watching things build and grow much better. But I have recently realized that I have quite a mess that needs addressing. Being in college and “on my own” have allowed certain things in my life, and I suppose things about me, to open up. I’ve also come to realize how good at hiding things I am…even from myself.
I’ve felt for a while that something was…off. I hadn’t been able to pinpoint any of the details only that something was not quite right. Finally, a few weeks ago, while talking to my roommate I verbalized how I was feeling. It wasn’t until the words were spilling from my lips that I understood what I had been hiding. It wasn’t until I heard someone else talking about the same things I was feeling that I could bring these problems to the forefront. I’m still not exactly sure about the specifics of my mess, but I have figured out that it has something to do with my faith. Really, by now I should know that my relationship with God is always, always a factor. But of course, the mind tends to erase these obvious facts, at least mine does.
So now the obvious question is: what am I going to do about it? Well I’ll tell you, I’m going to ignore it. Just for the next week or so (I know probably not the best idea). Then, over spring break I’m going to the beach with a very dear friend. Over the course of those few days I’m going to “open up my mess and sit in it.”(those words are her’s, not mine. and I love them). I don’t expect to deal with all of it, it isn’t even my goal. My goal is to understand it. To feel out my mess and its roots and how it affects me. Perhaps to organize my mess into something that is manageable, something that won’t continue to hurt me and my faith.
I guess the point of writing all this down was in an attempt to understand and accept that I am not ok. We focus so much on being “ok, fine, good,” but is that really so important? My past does affect me and that’s ok. We’re all a little messed up and I think that’s ok too.